It’s a new year.
I cannot tell you how that feels.
no, i can..

People say that the New Year is  lie
you dont change at the stroke of midnight
Nothing is magically cleansed or purged from
you just because the calendar changes numbers.

oh, yeah?

It’s a choice.
At the stroke of midnight I released
so much from my heart
a purging of black birds from
my soul each one with a belly full
of poison that need no perch
inside my mind ever again.

I reclaimed the things I love
my friends who are with me
all of the time
the people I have only recently met
who i will cherish and carry with me
into the next part of this life.

STRENGTH IN NUMBERS

SOLIDARITY IN LOVE AND RESPECT

that’s the thing.
I didn’t think i deserved
the goodness that was already with me
i sabotaged myself with people
who wanted nothing more than to
fill in all my light with their
darkness and then cry foul
because I could not fix them
because they told me i was broken.

broken?

I am hardly broken.
I drained out the sickness
that i took in for all of them
and what i found left over
was myself
and i DONT hate myself.
i hated who I thought i was
and never realized that
I am not that at all..
i am something quite lovely
and magnificent
and a million miles from perfect
but a million miles closer to it
than they all were.

see?

it’s a new fucking year.

2012.

time to defy fucking gravity
(who doesnt love wicked?)
take a hold of who you are
accept that you are beautiful

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL

trust yourself
believe in your truth and
listen to the people who love you
not the people who only love themselves.

and just because it’s who I am

DONT LET THEM WIN.

You know who they are and what they have done
to you and you cannot ever let them win.
the destruction of something beautiful is all they crave.
Be the power they fear
Be the talent they cant have
Be the love they dont know
Be the truth they hide from

BE YOU.

Happy 2012, bitches.

I am tired of being the nice guy.
tired of bad people getting away with being bad people.
so i am posting this, because my ex is a liar and a con artist.
it’s his whole identity and people should know this stuff before
getting involved.

This is an unedited email sent to him and copied to me
as written by his “bestfriend and brother”.
This is who you are, Bryan Senatore. Shame on you.

good news travels fast…dont it.

hi angela…

oh dearest bryan….brother of mine…here we go again…

Ryan works for me at the shop and knows Angela well. I’ve known his sister for
years now and I love her to death. Ryan did come up to me and ask about you. It was right before
i talked to you and the “not buying it” part with you and Angela. Then I sort of
went down memory lane telling stories…some good some bad. I discussed all
the bullshit you had laid on me over the years…etc etc…we were passing the
time at work no biggie. I also said someday the Angela and Bryan thing will end…
and your relationships never end in a good way…and I have a feeling I will hear
the “why didn’t you tell me” schtick. Nothing I said was untrue…..and if things
made there way back to Lash Lane so be it. So what…if you REALLY are in love
with this girl own up to it. These things aren’t “poison” good grief….they are realities…
you lived with an older woman who supported you…then met that other tootsie
who found out you were still running around with your ex…posted it all on facebook…
called me crying in the middle of the night…those phone calls that i never answered
by the way. I told Ryan about the “dead father” incident…the “Japan tour” which
you never owned up to yet….the “dead mother” incident…hocking your dead
ex-wifes jewelry…etc etc. So many it killed some time while cleaning at the shop. Of course any
outsider would look at this situation like “this person is crazy”….and what an asshole
for laying all that shit on you. These are the reasons I never brought you around my
friends. Well..that…and you were out in Santa Monica living with Carol who kept you
on a leash and the only time you were really available was when she gave you the
boot…then you moved back in with her and lied about that??? I guess you felt
ashamed or just enjoyed laughing about me behind my back. We didn’t speak for 5 or 6 years
….at all. Sometimes Bryan I can only take so much crap. We have a very long history…many good memories…
but come on now. If you are ever brought up in conversation I don’t want to watch what
I say. I don’t filter things about MY life…shit I post everything for the world to see on
facebook. Now I have to censor what i talk about in MY OWN SHOP so things
don’t get repeated and gossiped about 3000 miles away. How annoying is that…
If I tell a story…OCCASIONALLY…hardly ever..but maybe you will be brought up. Example…”there was time
when…..and this guy Bryan was there…blah blah” Then I will hear “who’s bryan??”
I will say I’ve known him since high school….we did a lot of crazy stuff when we were
young…blah blah. And then OCCASIONALLY the bad shit will get discussed…so what.
These people don’t know you and I assumed never would. To this day do you have any
inkling of how bad I felt for you when you said Donald died?? You cried and gave
me death details…I mean what the fuck! I remember calling Rhanda right away…and
the first thing she said was “I bet he’s full of shit”. I was like…come on Rhanda…I know
Bryan enjoys his tall tails but he couldn’t possibly do this. Is this the way you want
your friends to talk about you?? We never take anything you say seriously….ever because
we will assume it’s a bunch of crap. I don’t think we are being unreasonable.

So you’ve changed…again…who knows maybe you did. Talk is cheap though. I will believe
it when I see it and you can’t say that I shouldn’t have any reason to posses doubts or be a cynic
about this new and startling “bryan turning over a new leaf”.
So yes, I said all those things. Angela can believe what she wants…but I don’t have a reputation
for gossiping or telling false stories. I’m sure she is being wowed by the charming talented
fun Bryan. wait until she sees the other side…maybe she will be the one who does finally
help you change. hopefully your love will conquer all. many wishes towards it. I seriously mean this…
I honestly  dearly hope that you and Angela can be happy together. I will not judge and say a thing.
Good luck to you both. Congrats.

PS. I told Pauley everything as well. We talked about it in much detail. My intentions were never
to sabotage any fortune or success she might provide for you…I just told her the truth about
things. She is loving and generous. We have our differences from time to time but she has always been a great friend.
If something happened in the future…anything…where P came to me and was like “your friend Bryan did such
and such” I could never live that down. So anyways she has decided to pass at any collaborations at least
for now. Maybe some day she can work with the “new Bryan”. That would be nice.
She is a fan of your music…many people are. I’ve always supported you and your endeavors…and
even when you are a total asshole I want the best for you as I do most people. There isn’t any reason
why you haven’t been a gigantic success and it is strange why you haven’t cut record deals or been out
touring. I know why though…because it was easier for you to have somebody take care of you and stop
you from being successful so they could control you…and that they did. Those women never wanted the
best for you…because they knew you would leave once you were able to support yourself. You always made
fun of me and my jobs…”burger flipper” etc etc. Ever since I worked back at the mall when I was a teenager….
and the “trade your parents in for some rich ones jabs”. Guess what…I took care of myself and everyone else
around me with those jobs. I paid my own rent, traveled at my own expense, took care of my fucking brother
for years and years…in fact I still am. Pauley trusts me…knows my work ethics because we both work our
assess off. That is why we are business partners…that is why we our such good friends. Honestly…you don’t
deserve her. Those words might sting…but I don’t give a shit. You do not deserve Pauley P. Maybe some day…

Honestly, do it yourself. Create your own success. Music is the only thing in your life you have done alone. It
is the only thing that you can take full credit for. Not your bills, or living arrangements, or all the other stuff
in your life you have allowed others to do for you while taking advantage of them. No reason why you
can’t do this…nobody is stopping you.

I hope being around my friends helps you. I see you are getting accolades from them. Nice isn’t it…being around
good people. People who actually WANT you to do well. Confident people that will support you and want the
best for you….just because. No strings attached. Can you imagine if Heidi or Carol or any of them actually
acted like this??? You would be famous. You would be rich. you would be respected for your talents. You have
so many but squandered them because your lazy ass never wanted to work. You always felt entitled…like you
are better than everyone else…you were “above” menial jobs because you were a “genius”. Puke. Lazy asshole
geniuses die broke lonely geniuses. And remember…some day your dad will REALLY die…and then who will you
be able to call for money? Who will support you when nobody else will because you burned every bridge in your
life because for some reason you are still pissed off and angry at the world? Why? You had a bitch mom…so
what. get over it. People have REAL problems and you are now turning 40…clearly enough time to realize
the blessings you were given that many of us don’t. Grow the fuck up. (and I don’t mean by wearing pleated
dockers and balancing your checkbook) I mean emotionally. you have two arms, two legs, and super talent.
Quit feeling sorry for yourself…it’s getting old. You have your own children Bryan. Some day they might
want to be a part of your life.

I see you are writing new music. Good. Keep up the good work. Get out there and hustle.

you know i want the best for you. you know i love you. lord knows why…but i do.

i’m off to make cupcakes now. some day you should visit. Make some money, get your fucking drivers
license, get on a plane and see what my hard work created. It would nice to share this part of my life with somebody
I’ve known forever….I mean i’m out here alone for christ sakes.
Denny and Bryan…my two asshole “brothers” can’t even buy a fucking ticket
to NYC for 300 dollars and see my shop that I own in Times Square? I’ve even offered
to PAY for the tickets. Pretty disappointing to say the least.
I’m surrounded by narcissist. Sorry that I’m not worth it I guess. I wouldn’t want to put anyone out….I realize
it’s close to impossible to fly to NYC from LAX. What was I thinking?? I’m such a selfish prick. I guess I will
see everyone next time I come to LA…remember to leave my car on empty again. Matthew will take care of everything.
You guys suck.

xoxoxo

Sometimes you paint a picture
with your own two hands
You paint sunshine
flowers, joy, happiness
you add beauty
and dreams to it.

it’s just a picture.

You believe in every stroke
trust in every color
as you work so hard to
chose just the right one
to say what you mean
To convey everything
you have to say

it’s just a picture.

you place it in a frame
that was made just for it
you wrap it with the finest
paper and top it with a
perfect ribbon
and tie it into a
painstakingly lovely bow

it’s just a picture.

You give it happily
proudly
to someone else
and even though
you hand it to them
with your heart attached
the open it up
and to them

it’s just a picture.

they do not care
love
want
need
value
cherish
treasure
appreciate
you at all, never did
this did not change

it’s just a picture.

you gave them everything you
had in your heart and soul
and they will throw it away
and wait for something
more because they do
not see what they
were ever given
and you will break
and hurt for them
for you.
because

it’s not just a picture.

it was you.

I am done painting pictures.
I hope you got what you wanted.

I don’t like when people go away.
I’m not great with grief, with letting go.
It hurts too much to feel loss
and it becomes easier to just pretend nothing
hurts at all
to pretend that I didn’t lose at all.
to wait it out, I can’t feel this way forever
if I don’t feel this way at all.

Today I have to look it in the face
because I owe you that
i owe you the life you had and
the life you shared.

I owe you because you told me
we Irish always stick together.
and I am not going to turn away from you
not as long as I live.

You see, people come into our
lives every day and they pass through
us and move around us and keep going.
sometimes those colors blend into our souls
and those people stay
and we learn a something new about ourselves
and we learn a new way to love someone else.
this is the part that is beautiful.

Sometimes though
sometimes those people just go away.
their lives stop
and our lives continue
and we have to find a way to put
our hearts back together

I get tired of that.
I get tired of putting my heart back together.
I don’t want to put my heart back together
brother, I just want you to come back.
I just want you to put your arm over my
shoulder and lean in to tell me
the ‘secrets’ all we Irish share.
it use to make me laugh, the things you came
up with to tell me.

I won’t forget them.
i won’t forget you.

People so often didn’t even want to ever see you
But they will now
i will wear you each and every day
I will wear you with all the colors of
my soul (it was you who warned me
about letting our red showing
when we are angry and our green
shining we we are happy)
you are my green, brother.
you are always going to be the
green that shows in my happiness.

Now, i speak to you again, reader
and I tell you that my friend went away.
He took flight straight to avalon
where i know he has put his jacket over
a chair for me
because I will come to sit beside him
there one day
because we were equals
to many people he was a drunken
laughing wild homeless Irishman
but you were wrong…

You were mostly wrong…

He was a drunken laughing
wild sweet funny kind
heart broken beautiful
loyal and loving irishman
who suffered loss
and appreciated all he gained
and lived the life of a gypsy
on the streets on Los Angeles
because we Irish, we are a traveling people
just ask us about Stonehenge
(see, brother, i told you I wouldnt
forget the things you told me!)

He was my friend.
He was my fellow countryman.
He was my brother, in the way
that we chose who we call family.

He went away last month
and we didn’t know until this month
because no one knew who to call
his family and who to tell
when another homeless man dies
they just assume it doesn’t matter.

It matters
Jesus, It matters so much
as I type each word
and wipe my eyes clear so i can
continue to say what I need to say.
it matters.
He matters so much.
everytime you see a homeless person on the street
just making their way
don’t think for a minute that
they don’t mean anything
because to someone
somewhere
they mean everything.

You mean everything, Brandon.
I love you and I miss you
Say hello to your boy
and don’t ever stop saving me a seat
because I, too, will come to Avalon
and I, too, will want to see you again.

I will keep my red in check

Brandon (Photo by Pauley)

my green abundant
and I will cry for you when I need too
and I will laugh with you when you want me too.

Goodnight, Brother.

May the road rise to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face.
May the rains fall soft upon your fields
and until we meet again,
May the Lord hold you in the palm of His hand.

(Irish prayer)

this blog has been removed
because its about to make a great
storyline in what I am writing.

and thanks Jana..

I really would make a good angry metal writer.
heh.

*takes a bow*

Forgive my spelling, I am smartphoning this entry in
Because its cold outside my bed.
I wanted to say a few things about
You pill happy folk who cannot cope with
Feeling anything.
I am sick of you.
Everybody has problems, everybodys screwed up
Everybody has issues
This does not mean that you have a fancy disorder
That excuses the fact that you
Are really a pain in the ass.
Most of these disorders didnt exist ago
Because people just dealt with their shit.
You dont needto have rainbows flying out of
Your ass 24/7.
THAT IS NOT OKAY.
ASS RAINBOWS=NOT OKAY.
Just because you are not happy
Doeant mean you are depressed
And just because you are depressed
Doesnt mean you need pills.
Just get a grip on your shit.

Sounds harsh?
I get depressed. For no reason.
I was depressed for thd last 4 days.
Crying and everything…
Do you know why? Me neither
I have a great family.
Awesome boyfriend.
Cool friends.
But there I was a total mess
Sad as fuck
But I handle my shit.
Because its okay to feel sad.
Its okay to cry and sleep and be bummed out at life.
Because if you arent an idiot, you figure it out.

I can assure you
Its okay to feel things.
I do it all the time
And not a single rainbow from my ass did shoot.

I have never (always) thought of this as what I wanted (needed).

After spending 7 minutes explaining my relationship status to someone
I thought I would just make a diagram to help people understand.

Click image please:

that should sum it up.